I will be the first one to voice doubts about making fun of Twilight, a romantic fantasy movie primarily aimed at teens. And I will also be the first one to say that making fun of it is completely okay. Once a movie is out there, you simply cannot control its journey. And since this one is hugely popular and made a lot of money for everyone involved, it opens itself up for even more constructive criticism. I was there Gandalf when Twilight took the world by storm and divided movie fans into two warring tribes. The first tribe took it seriously, immersing themselves in this forbidden love dynamic. And others could not stop laughing at it while simultaneously pointing out hilarious and oftentimes even disturbing details.
The story is as simplistic as it gets: a teenage girl falls for a vampire and then trouble ensues. And right away you can see a pretty fucked up concept of a young girl falling for a man who’s more than 100 years old. Yup, our Edward Cullen was born in 1905, making him the definition of an old dirty bastard. Not to be confused with the popular American poet Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The man, I’m sorry, the vampire is basically a stalker since he keeps following Bella and staring at her intensely. An awesome tactic, by the way. I see that those 100 years of life experience have thought him the art of supreme seduction. These stares are always hilarious and I found myself unable to breathe due to their corny nature.
And when Bella somehow takes the bait, he tells her that they should not be friends. Why did you keep looking at her bro? I guess, that’s love for you, it overcomes all adversities. And I love how they filmed these unwarranted advances. Edward is just standing still, slightly tilted forward, and looking like he just had a stroke. Although Bella finds this really attractive as she just keeps biting her lip and eyefucking old Ed the Pervert. I also love his appearance with those leeches for eyebrows, lipstick, and fucking sparkle. Did you know that vampires sparkle because I sure as shit didn’t? However, you can clearly see how this would sway a young impressionable teen to fall in love with this movie.
In fact, you can argue that Robert Pattinson’s performance as Edward Cullen and his undeniably good looks are the main reasons why so many teen girls loved this movie. His character is significantly more developed than Bella’s, leaving her to be the empty vessel fan girls can use to immerse themselves in this larger-than-life romance. The story also takes place in this small town, a place where the audiences are desperate for something to wake them up and take them away. Twilight also features vampires without fangs who can walk in the sunlight without bursting into flames.
The rest of the characters are not only one-dimensional but also extremely generic. You have the gay trendy guy, faithful friend, mean girl, and so forth. On top of all of that, we have a revolutionary new breed of vampires: vegetarian vampires. Yes, you read it right, these vampires are so morally superior that they refuse to kill humans. On the other hand, they have no problems killing other vampires, dismembering and burning them. And I haven’t even mentioned the comical special effects. My favorite one is when we see vampires running through the forest. These scenes look like a parody of a movie that we were supposed to be watching.
Finally, I do have to mention two elements that the movie Twilight absolutely nailed. The first one is the atmosphere that was immersive, consistent, and dreamy. Just like it should be in this type of movie. And the second one is camera work, showcasing beautiful nature and the forgotten charm of small towns. If you’re looking for a real vampire movie, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a good choice.
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Writers: Melissa Rosenberg, Stephenie Meyer
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli
Fun Facts: Over 5,000 actors auditioned for the role of Edward.